A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said 'Kramer, your grandmother died.'
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, 'You
could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.'
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the Colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, 'Men, how many of you
have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!'
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Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring clubs. One night, he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells again, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'
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You Know Your Children Are Computer Crazy When
... all communication has to go through the screen.
... they take it to bed with them.
... you catch them feeding Sonic bread and milk.
... they're disappointed when the pet mouse you give them has fur.
... they ask what sort of computers the cavemen had.
... you can't understand a word of their friends' conversations.
... they hate going to the beach because there is no power point.
... you wish you had never bought them the blasted thing in the first place.
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The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with
callers.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
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LIFE BEFORE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something Terribly wrong in your back.
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Thieves
Three guys go and rob a bank, and after breaking away with the money they run and hide from the police in a back ally.
The three guys see three potato sacks lying on the ground so they each hide in one.
A police officer goes up, kicks the first sack and hears
'MEOW' so he thinks it's a cat
The officer goes up to the second sack, kicks it and hears
'ROOF' so he thinks it's a dog
He goes up to the third sack, kicks it and hears 'POTATOES!'
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Windows and Cars..
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO)
'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT'. But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one 'general car default' warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ('Are you sure?' before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.
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Computers and life...
1) 5 minutes ago you were traveling to office at 80 mph in your brand new car. Now you are traveling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance. You wish
there was 'UNDO' in life!
2) You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was 'FIND TOOL' in life!
3) You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, You wish there was 'REBUILD ALL' in life!
4) The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'ZOOM AND VIEW FULL SCREEN' in life!
5) One day you realize that you are turning bald, You wish there was 'CUT & PASTE' in life..
And the best one is .............
6) After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch, You wish there was an 'EVALUATION PERIOD' or at least a 'SAMPLE DOWNLOAD' or a 'DEMO VERSION'!
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Slap him..
There's an Indian, Pakistani and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a sound of a tight slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani is bent over holding his face which is red
from an apparent slap.
The Pakistani is thinking 'Damn it, that Indian must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.'
The girl is thinking, 'That Pakistani must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Indian instead and got slapped.'
The Indian is thinking, 'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again.'
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Password.......
A guy is signing up for a daily joke in his e-mail, and the registration form asks for a password. Trying to be funny, he types, 'penis.'
When he presses enter a message flashes on the screen that reads: 'Sorry, your password isn't long enough.'
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Interpreted well..
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood told the interpreter to ask him where da money was. The interpreter signs, 'Where's the money?'
The deaf man replies, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
The interpreter tells the hood, 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. 'Now ask him where the money is!'
The interpreter signs, 'Where is the money?'
The deaf man replies, 'The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.'
The interpreter says to the hood, 'He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the courage to pull the trigger.'
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Y2K..
Letter from a manager leading Y2k Project
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everyline of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the 'Y-to-K' date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this 'Y to K' problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
Very Sincerely,
Manager.
Y-to-K Project leader.
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Lantern..
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
'Congratulations,' the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. 'You did superbly under cross-examination.'
'Thanks,' he said, 'but he sure had me worried.'
'How's that?' the lawyer asked.
'I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!'
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Better news..
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven three influential humans; Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
'The human race is a complete disappointment,' God boomed. 'You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world.'
Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called in his cabinet. 'I have good news and bad news,' he announced grimly.'The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week.'
In Russia Yeltsin announced to parliament, 'Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all. The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a week.'
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. 'I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth,' he beamed.'The better news is we dont have to fix Windows 98.'
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And that..
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, 'Where do you work?'
The man said, 'Here and there.'
The judge asked the man, 'What do you do for a living?'
The man said, 'This and that.'
The judge then said, 'Take him away.'
The man said, 'Wait, judge, when will I get out?'
The judge said to the man, 'Sooner or later...
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If Microsoft Built Cars..
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'ERROR' warning light.
8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a 'Car95' or a 'CarNT.' But, then you'd have to buy more seats.
10. The airbag system would say, 'Are you sure?' before going off.
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The Height of net
HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become
friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.
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Life and Technology..
1) 5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance, You wish there was 'undo' in life!
2) You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was 'find tool' in life!
3) You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, You wish there was 'rebuild all' in life!
4) The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'zoom & view full screen' in life!
5) After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch, You wish there was an 'evaluation period' or at least a 'sample down load' or a 'demo version'! And the best one is ............
One day you realize that
you are turning bald, You wish there was 'cut and paste' in life!
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Remember when.
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another upgrade ...
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw
and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.
- A 'Don't remind me again' button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally 'object orientated' and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
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Full form of book...
B.O.O.K
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named -- BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The 'browse' feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an 'index' feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional 'BOOKmark' accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK
has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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